The prosecution: Xenia
He says his throat is dry but to me spitting is a sign of disrespect. I’ve seen people look shocked by it
My boyfriend, Ahmed, has a habit I find disgusting: he’s always spitting in public. I think that’s bad enough, but he does it really loudly, which makes it worse – a huge hack sound followed by a big glob of spit, which goes flying. It’sso gross, and sometimes draws attention. I find myself apologising to anyone who catches our eye after he does it, and they always look shocked, but Ahmed rarely notices.
He doesn’t spit to be rude – he says that where he grew up, in Saudi Arabia, spitting is normal and not seen as disgusting. He used to have spitting competitions at his school, and girls and boys competed against each other. Once he estimated that he could spit up to 8ft away. He said it in jest in our early days of dating, but I was horrified.
However, when I asked, jokingly, ifIcould spit beside him he told me itwas “more of a men’s thing”. Thatproves he does have some internalisedstigma around spitting. But only if he has to watch a woman doing it. Quite ironic, really.
Ahmed says he needs to spit because his throat is always dry, but ifthat’s the case it’s been dry since theday we met in 2019 and he needs toget it checked out.
To me, spitting is a sign of disrespect and seen as uncouth. I don’t mean thatin a snobby way, but it suggests you don’t have manners. My mum watched Ahmed spit towards her car once when he needed to clear his throat, and I saw her mouth drop open. I told her it was part of Ahmed’s culture andshe said it was fine, butIthink she was mortified.
I guess Ahmed has always shown me exactly who he is and has never tried to hide anything about himself. On our first date he told me he was once in £20,000 of debt. I rate his honesty and don’t want him to change – except for this one annoying habit.
Ahmed could stop spitting if he really wanted to. He is easy-going and agood communicator, but he won’t properly discuss giving it up. I have asked him to control it and he’s said he’s trying, but he could improve a bit more.
The defence: Ahmed
It’s just a habit that society has arbitrarily decided is gross. Xenia needs to be more tolerant
I don’t spit to offend, but because it’s second nature. I always spit to clear my throat or when I’ve got a sour tastein my mouth. It’s just a habit. Mythroat gets dry, and spitting solves the problem. It’s a practical necessity, not an act of rebellion.
I’ll admit the sound might be a little jarring. But in Saudi Arabia, spitting wasn’t a social faux pas like it is in theUK. It was practically a sport. We’d measure distances, compare techniques. People spit as they go into a mosque, or after smoking. So now, years later, I don’t even think about what it means.
Ihave tried to explain it to Xenia, but she doesn’t really get it. Shesays Ineed to try to tone it down.
Xenia thinks about my spitting alot. She winces every time I do it, andapologises to strangers on my behalf as if I’ve just committed some unspeakable crime. She acts as thoughI’ve spat on someone, when really all I’m doing is just clearing mucus from my throat.
Ihave tried to tone down how emphatic my spitting is because Iknow that Xenia hates it. Now, I’ll spit straight on to the ground instead of firing it out quickly and at a height.
Xenia says she likes my honesty – well this is part of the package. Theguy who explained his financial troubles on our first date is the same guy who occasionally feels the need toexpectorate.
I get that some people find it unpleasant. But am I really supposed to change something that feels entirely normal to me just because society has arbitrarily decided it’s gross? What’s next? Banning sneezes in public? Issuing fines for throat-clearing? I know Singapore fines people for spitting in the streets, but we don’t live there.
Xenia needs to build up some tolerance. I put up with her annoying habits because I love her. The worst thing about me is that I occasionally launch some saliva into the ether, which I will try to tone down. But ultimately I’ve been spitting for too long now to totally stop.
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The jury of Guardian readers
Ahmed is upsetting Xenia by spitting in public. Should he stop?
Of course Ahmed shouldn’t spit in public – it’s deeply offensive and looks aggressive. He should carry ahandkerchief to spit into.
Samira, 38
Plenty of people born and raised in the UK spit in public too – and it’s generally considered a no-no. But every society has its conventions and cultural quirks. Surely it’s not too hard to avoid doing things that a lot of people find disgusting. Ahmed needs to train himself to stop spitting.
Matthieu, 63
“Am I really supposed to change something that feels entirely normal to me just because society has arbitrarily decided it’s gross?”– YES. It’s disgusting.
Diane, 46
Ahmed is hypocritical about what he sees as his right to spit in public, since he thinks it’s only OK for men to do it. But if he insists on spitting outdoors, maybe he could respect Xenia’s concerns and stop doing it so much when she’s around, or at least do it out of her sight.
Brian, 31
I don’t think the defence has a leg to stand on here. Neither “I’m clearing my throat because it is always dry” nor “itfeels entirely normal to me” are reasons for spitting on the street.
Kitwana, 35
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us who you think is in the wrong?
The poll closes on Thursday 10 April at 10am BST
Last week’s results
We asked if Ray was wrong to refuse to wash Liam’s car again, having made a hash of it the first time.
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